floramarilla

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 If you read this..this is just a late night rant otherwise My life is amazing. I just can't sleep and sometimes it helps me to get out what I'm feeling.
    I keep my self busy, But my emotion is winning over my intellect. I miss him all the time now and oh how it hurts. I've never known a love like this. I've come close to be sure..but even that is a joke compared to this. He is half of me and I now feel only half alive without him. Every part of my body and soul can feel his absence. When he says "I need you my love"..all my strength I've worked up throughout the day vanishes. I've never needed anyone but God and my son. Now I know I need him too.. more than he will ever know. I always though to be in love you had to let someone love you. I've never been able to do that till now. Now I know its even more than that.  At lest it feels that way. How do you let someone love you and not lose your self in them. I have always tried to be a good person..but now I find myself doing and saying things I never thought I would. I miss him so much I find my self jealous of any little thing...Because they get to look upon his face when I can not. Jealousy, what a wasted fucked up emotion. I feel so much shame from it.  I envy any one who gets close to him..because its where I want to be. The love part is fine. Its the missing him that's killing me. 
  And there it is..my love sick head. Fuck I miss Vegas too..lol Off to bed I go

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I've thought a lot as of late about sickness and health. Most of us will say that to a loved one on are wedding day "in sickness and in health" till death do us part". Please don't get me wrong, I am not hear to harp about the commitment of marriage. I know there's many reasons why people don't work out. My thoughts are more about dealing with loving someone so much that you would in fact be there for them through sickness and health. I've thought about the two sides of the same coin. The first is that even if by some miracle you are blessed enough to have someone in your life that is willing to stay by your side though an illness, would you let them? The second is if your the one who's ill would you try to end your life early? And who would be right in all this. Well you may believe I'm only talking about this because an actor who ended his life. That's not so...but it does fit with what I mean to say. I started thinking about this very thing months ago. I can truly understand both sides of the coin. But what was bothering me the most is that I needed more than just a feelings based on opinion. what I mean is, If you know your sick and you don't want to hinder your loved ones...do you take your life. Because I can tell you that will not release them from any hardship or pain. life is full of all kinds of hardships and pains but love is something to live for. Anyway that brings us back to feelings based on opinion. So I was feeling very stuck on what other way I could look at it that may be a bit more logical. I stared by thinking about it in the way of one life time. After all our lives are very short. So say you are blessed enough to make it 40, 65 years...then you get sick...this illness may last 30yrs or maybe even just 1yr. I think every day would feel like a life time in hell but your loved ones would be right there with an ice cold cup of water to cool you down. something so small could make a big difference. Some people believe it is selfish to take your life so to end the pain you'd put your loved ones through. Some people believe it is selfish to not let your loved one go knowing that they our in pain. But again, when I started to think on this...my thoughts went back to time or at lest the way we see time. It reminded me of all the stories I'd ever heard about life and what it can really mean and what we leave behind. For all the people who were brave enough to see it till the end I thank you. They are the one's who make it possible to get one step closer to finding a cure or treatment. And their lives are not in vain. Someone may be born today that has new clues to help solve mental illness, cancer, Parkinson's etc. And that's not based on opinion..that's science. I hope that you all will be there for your loved ones. I hope that you will let them be there for you. I pray that you are all well! Please forgive my grammar. hugs         

so.. I've been gone for so long because I've not had internet lol I quit my job four years ago and moved back to New Mexico to take care of my mum and help my brother. we're like twins, he's a year older than me..anywho..she's not sick, just getting on in years and i didn't want to put her in a home. also my brother had a brain bleed..scared the hell out of me. He's doing okay..but he was a truck driver and he can't drive anymore so i take him where ever he needs..so yeah. Because my job is caring for my loved ones, I don't have a pay check and that's the reason i didn't have internet...my mom got sick of people asking her for her e-mail and my son who is 15 was going bat shit crazy with out it..so she asked me if i wanted it..blah and stuff you guys get the point.